My dad implied that I was a loser for not having a job and not wanting one. He said he didn’t get why there wouldn’t be any job that would take me and that he would start doing my applications. In being sick and already stressed about it, I didn’t want to talk about it. He figured that he did something wrong and my stress correlated with depression. Telling me that if he couldn’t go, that police would be involved. He then asked why I was at his place and I told him that no one else would take me. But he hates liars, so I threw those words of course with hurtful intentions. Then he figured that Debbie was ruining the relationship I had with him. And that I care for no one else but myself family wise. Which, is true. I can’t connect with anyone. And angry, I couldn’t make any points, I just had my aunt come get me because I couldn’t be around him anymore. Leaving, he said that I thought I would be the perfect parent and all this stuff. That parenting was easy and that my future relationships will be Shit because of how I run away. Instantly, I thought of you and I laughed. I feel really lonely aside from sick and ready to die in w corner. Even my therapist said I come off very lonely since I barely speak of friends. A cat can only do so much. Aiden can’t do anything, she knows nothing. And Sam won’t talk to me anymore. I do want a job. I want to get out of here. I want the better life I know I can’t get here.

I realize that I if I go back to read what I have written previously on here. I am going to end up deleting everything because I appear as if I were a ten year old girl.

Did you see The Great Gatsby trailer yet?

My aunt and I are starting a “3 day diet.”

Simplistic enough, but I look at it and only see it as a joke. 3 days? Have I gotten so low to  a point that I can only last three days? Does that even count as a diet. No. That counts as being conscious.

Aiden and I are strictly dating in roleplay again. I am somewhat aggrivated/annoyed with her. She was being a depressed little brat that she couldn’t get her way. And I was just.

= 3 =;;;;;;

“But I’m BORRRRRRRRRED.”

So, yeah. It’s roleplay, I can toss her when I get bored. Or maybe she will. WHO knows. Though, as terrible as I am going to sound. The more she ooc talks with me. Just telling me that she won’t reply because she’s doing something, makes me feel that she is a primp rich girl.

“Hey going to play tennis.”

“Going to the gym.”

That’s all I can remember….BUT. When things were all out, that she didn’t have a job, that she was living on her own with her pitbull or had a roomate blah blah blah. I think her parents are paying for everything. Especially since she is my age and drives frequently.
Another thing too is because she is three hours behind, I stay up later. And when I don’t sleep, I get really sick too xD
Sore throat, plugged ears, congestion. ;3;
WAHHHHHHHH

I had lots of fun at the LUSH opening party too~ I waited in line and thankfully, was the third last person to get an Avobath ballistic. Which smells so good that I plan to save all my planned to buy Lush ballistics for the perfect tub. For now, it remains an air freshener in my car.

Just when I get a call from Anne Marie, reminding me that I have an appointment for tomorrow, I instantly think of how I really don’t even want to see her anymore. Even when I thought that we were done since I heard nothing back, my mom admitted that it seemed like she was doing nothing for me at this point. I still am on the fence about what I want. All I want now is a job. Not huge surgery’s that alter my life completely. And then she wants me to do this paperwork like describe yourself using the letters from A-Z. I feel like I traveled to middle school.

Speaking of jobs. Vector. AKA Cutco gave me a call. A good acquaintance of mine, Leona recommended me for the job. Which, I was really excited AT FIRST. Because, I had no idea who was calling and now at this point, I want to let unknown numbers go to messages. I got no heads up and the girl was really nice, I felt terrible to call back to tell her to cancel my interview that would be for tomorrow as well. 

“Come casual.”

“Bring pen and paper.”

I have gotten letters from the company before, they don’t need experience and they pay 14.50 an hour. Which is great. But, I am not going into strangers homes, to sell knives/ hunting supplies.

YOU’RE NODDING YOU’RE HEAD TOO. THAT HAS DEATH WRITTEN ALL OVER.

Not to mention it’s just a damn mess.

Someone older than 25 has to sign off that they have heard it. blah blah blah. Maybe I should of asked about customer service. There is guilt that I have for not taking it, only because it was a job I honestly had guaranteed to me. Flexible schedules, all that. I mean, I NEED a job. I need to see Steph, and have completed my self sufficiency test. I could always call back….

I don’t know. My aunt said she wouldn’t even take it. And friends that I have known to take it, have quit after the first few weeks.

Stressful decisions are stressful.

My mom also bought me clothes. I really liked the majority that she got me. I’ve never gotten three bags of clothes before, so I can tell you that when I popped over to see them, it had to be a momentary experience.

Last and least, I went to the lake house. I had to drop off some meat my mom forgot, well….that I forgot to pack in her car, but she didn’t bother herself to double check.

tsk tsk

But, when I thought I would leave, I ended up staying from 2pm through 8:30. My crazy grandma said that she would honor me with money for my 3 B’s but ended up paying me a 20 under the table to be nice to mark and his son. She then proceeded to tell me that I had to change my personality because of the relationship I carried with my mother. I went a bit on the defense, telling her that due to Freud’s research, personality is permanent by age 5 and she said that recent things have proved wrong…..MHM. SCHOOLED HER. And that the things mark has done and that I didn’t like the way he treats my mom because he can act like a little bitch. I mean, he complained about her snoring and my mom ended up sleeping in my old room. Now he deals with it and wears ear plugs to bed. She then proceeded to tell me that people don’t have to make mistakes, that there is always a good choice that can be picked no matter what, if you take the wrong one, then you are just stupid. That I have to be an adult. Time to grow up yadda yadda yadda. Other than that, I helped my mom with the cooking for dinner and when I wanted to go. Crazy grandma came back to play. I was forbidden to leave. I had to stay the night. I told her no and she brought me upstairs, telling me that mark was separating me from the family.

Which, was not the reason. I love the lake, not the lake house. Lots of spiders and no AC. With a car, no way. I once left at six in the morning because I was so uncomfortable. She didn’t want to hear it, she tried to tell me that I was now separating her from the family and setting this heavy burden, but I just told her I appreciated it and left. I felt mature, I didn’t yell, I stayed kind hearted to my replies. If only I had throw the words back at her about mistakes. OH WELL.

DONE DONE DONE.

I NEED A VACATION.

AND A JOB.

AND MY OWN PLACE.

I WANT TO LIVE AT THE MILLS WITH MONEY COMING IN FROM S&S.

Goal number 23.

Write it.

Dear Chris, 

It seems that my dad’s house is officially haunted. The other night, the bathroom light turned on and my door opened slightly two times. I was on my computer and figured it was my dad. But after 15 minutes, I realized that there were no shuffling noises or anything. So now I freak out whenever I go in dark rooms since I only come home at night to sleep.

School is done and I got three B’s and two C’s. I was so overjoyed with life span development, I didn’t even bother to take the final since they cut off the lowest test grade. I was also surprised about Understanding sexuality. Though on the second last test, I got a 96 which really boosted the grade. And for the final, we got to retake a test, so I took my lowest grade and carefully considered what at the time I thought was right and second guess myself.

I found a new youtuber that I like. DailyGrace! She reminds me of Mitchell Davis, but just in girl form! Her awkwardness makes me laugh.

Still no job, but I am placing myself out more. Though, I feel that when it comes to filling out the application, like alcohol, it is the great equalizer. No matter what IQ and whatnot, everyone just turns dumb.

“Should I check this box?”

“I don’t know when I am available, how long will it take me to get dressed and drive to work?”

And once after the application is sent in, not one person feels confident about it.

I recycle my men. Ur, women? People. I recycle people for relationships. Though, I am using Aiden for emotional support because I need something to fill the empty time I have. Don’t get me wrong. I do have plans! I am going to see the Chernobyl Diaries for the midnight premier with a few high school friends. Though, there goes 10$ to covering my ears and closing my eyes. Childhood tendencies are acting up again. Anyway, I want to say I have been talking to him for a week and a half now. It’s at the point where he knows I want no relationship. And clearly, he’s in love again. Starting tomorrow, he wants to have a day of saying I love yous and gooey stuff. I don’t mind. It just helps my emotional issues. But at the end of the day, I can see him not letting go of anything I could plan to say.

I also watched “We Need To Talk About Kevin.” Really liked it. A little artsy in their shots and a lot of flipping around. The story could of been really good had they had it go on a continuous string rather than several tangents. Older Kevin is hot but very creepy at the same time. Okay, well his voice is hot. And Muscles. THE THING I DON’T GET. HE’S A KOREAN LOOKING KID AND TILDA SWINTON AND WHAT’S HIS FACE WITH THE JEWISH HAIR WHO IS REALLY GROSS AND I GIVE HER PROPS FOR NOT GAGGING WHEN SHE HAD TO BLOW HIM. CLEARLY, SOMEONE CHEATED.

eAe

I love Hyouka.

Best. Anime. Ever.

For right now.

Houtarou, I think is the name for the main boy. He’s so cute!!!!!!!!!!

I love his style and the animators don’t give him the same clothing unless it is his school uniform. And his messy hair.

*A*

-Gasms-

How are you? Anything fun? I read about Germany helping out Greece with their economy problems in the Time Magazine. That is about it Germany wise that I have really noticed. Other than the House Hunters International where the guy moved somewhere in Germany. The apartments are so dinky with tiny fridges. How do you sustain life?!

Have you seen any good movies lately? What about the Human Centipede 2?

What about STD’S?

Huhuuuuuuh????

If anything, I bet your brother found some time to get a swab from the hospital, whipe it down on both your boxers and briefs and bam.

Your thing is now ready for detonation.

I’m still thinking about the lap band. Though, scheduling with Anne Marie has gotten complicated and I’ve gotten no return calls. I think she has given up on me because I wouldn’t fill out some of the things she wanted me to for our talks. Though, I am mostly being difficult. I feel fine writing to you. I think if I started a diary, it would be found and exposed. With a blog, it’s more so a hidden treasure.

Toonami is coming back to cartoon network. Gundam Wing, Outlaw Star, and a few others I’m really excited to watch again! I remember when I first watched those shows. 

Ahhhhhhhh  ( > n u n < )

I’m getting better in letting you go. Less and less as the months pass. Who knows, if you ever came back for a day, I would probably swipe the board clean and start all over.

It’s like Goyte said: You can addicted to a certain kind of sadness.

Anyways~

These are my current favorite songs.

1. Fuel Up - Stornoway
2. No One’s Gonna Love You - Band Of Horses
3. Talking To The Moon - Bruno Mars
4. Buffering - Julian Smith
5. Who’d Have Known - Lily Allen
6. Smart - Girl In A Coma
7. Carousel - Vanessa Carlton
8. Helena Beat - Foster The People
9. Transatalnticism - Death Cab For Cutie
10. She’s Got You High - Mumm-ra

This boy sitting in the table in front of me is going on and on how he almost got caught cheating on his girlfriend. It’s weird. I suppose just hearing it from a male perspective. But it’s adolescence. I wouldn’t expect him at this point to feel any remorse towards it. I also am assuming he is the leader of the condensed group. People are focused when he talk, when others speak, he is into his phone and others become quiet.
School is coming to an end and I still don’t have a job. I better get something, otherwise I will not have any money. And be bored out of my mind! I still have one more week!!
My sleeping is getting bad too, I wake up when my alarm goes off, and I’m really struggling to stay awake. This past Saturday, I must of been so tired, I had fallen asleep at 1am and woke up at 2pm without ever waking up once. That never happens to me!
I’ve been over analyzing so much, it’s getting a bit on my nerves.
Due to breakouts appearing on my face, I can’t tell if it’s because of stress or my poor diet.
It’s getting close to being a year now with you in Germany.
Did you hear about the performing artist who was going to strangle two puppies on stage?
Are you still talking to your friend that your mom reintroduced you to, I figure he will come of high value seeing that he can be the ice breaker in socializing. Then again, it is late to say this.

At this moment, I don’t really want a boyfriend. I’ve gone back to lrpe and engaged in sexual deviance once more. I am just feeling needy for attention.

Steph got her license! She also has high interest in a girl that she goes to school with and share the same group of friends. she’s cute too and has a really good butt. One that if she flaunted it on tumblr, she’d be the nicki minaj of tumblr. Things really seem to be looking up for her. I’m sure once she gets to end of her senior year, with a college picked and everything. She won’t be as stressed as she is now. Especially since she can drive! And has a job.

She talks about coming to visit me and I would have to figure out how I’d explain her stay with my dad. He doesn’t like me to have sleepovers. And I am a terrible hottest, plus the house doesn’t really settle for clean smelling.
=u=
Oh yeah, that reminds me, did your parents ever end up keeping the house in America? Or were they able to sell it in the end? I’m bored, if I could. I’d want to visit it, break in maybe.

Rain makes things depressing. And finals, I keep forgetting I get so depressed around finals xD I should make a study of this for a psychology project if needed.

Made with Paper

Made with Paper

Made with Paper

Made with Paper

Steph got transferred into the p-pod thingy at S&S. Though, she was very upset at how tedious and fast pace it was. Including the infestation of negativity. She has plans to go back though, to take any other offer the manager could give her instead of being in that field of work. Luckily, she also has support. Though minimal, it greatly encourages her. I do notice one thing between her and Nikki. With Nikki, when I tried helping her, I would feel so good, but I only felt that way because in my head, I was convinced she would place a good word to Dante. But now, I’ve finally, after two years, have given up on him. I don’t picture snuggling into his side. And it makes me happy. Perhaps clearly seeing that he is not going to be like his dad and abandon the baby his girlfriend gave birth to, has made things all the more realistic. When I talk to Steph, I am happy to listen to her and after I finish talking to her, I never think of you. I never feel like I have to be on my best behavior with her because I know she would do the same. That she has done the same. It’s funny, she and I talk about how we look in the mirror when we cry or feel like we are about to throw up. (I honestly think every girl does that.) WAHHH, I JUST MISS HER SO MUCH AND I WISH I LIVED IN RHODE ISLAND SO I COULD TAKE CARE OF HER. ;A;

Still no job. Days are passing and I feel that I am cornering myself more and more. It seems that my self esteem these days can’t pick up. No matter what I look at, I feel an immense guilt that I still don’t have one.

Finals are coming up. I am not prepared for math or understanding sexuality in the least bit. 

I am starting to wonder if I should pick up on anti-depressants again. I’m a little nervous because there is just something about medication that makes me feel crazy and more dislocated from society than I already feel. Then again, I blame media for this feeling. I’ve been depressed longer than I should, yet it just seems that one domino is falling after another. 

I have been also talking to this girl. When something doesn’t go her way, she bails. And I’ve never felt so annoyed talking to someone, it made me realize how you possibly felt. Getting no where with me because of my baggage. I finally see it. But, for now. I have no intention to fix it. There is no need to, not when you don’t see the benefit when it comes to changing in front of someone.

My mom spent a little time with me last week too. She got me a few shirts and a pair of jeans. It made me happy to spend that time with her. I wish I could of spent more, but she had other plans. 

Sometimes I take a briefing and wonder if I am more lost than lonely. I don’t talk to people in any of my classes, I’ve even tried to listen in and display my input. Even when there a groups, it just seems that I cannot make a friend in class. Stupid community college.

Perhaps I should initiate the lap band process again. Though, my eating habits seemed to have gone in the opposite direction. But continue to be negative and will surely effect me when I am older. I don’t ever wear makeup. I never bother with my hair. 

ugh depressing depressing. I can assure you, I am more sick of myself than you possibly feel towards me at this moment.

Life is hard. But I think it’s hard because that gives us as the individual the chance to make it better. In the end we will feel more accomplished. If life was easy, we would all be bored. That is why, I know you won’t come back. So, to make a fool of myself, I will take a one week vacation to Berlin, where I will print lots of pictures of bulbasaur and the word jeap written on top of it. That way you’ll know it’s me. Granted. I hope I can do this within my four year limit. I never realized how hard it is to be a virgin that has never been in a relationship. I mean, no one is going to want me at this point! I MEAN.

Forget about it!

So Sam, who you deeply dislike. So much that all your spite had a dog attack him, giving him stitches blah blah blah. Anyways, one of my friends from lrpe told me that he had been dating some girl while we were having phone sex on the side lines. You don’t wake someone up at four in the morning to tell them that. Especially when I had just started dozing off.
I’ve tried to call him. Text. But nothing yet.
I’ve seen the site and the comment she left on his page. I’ll assume they talk in messages just because I’ve seen nothing else. There are no couple pictures. And there are also no statements on his page.
Even though I’m hurt about it, I wonder if I’m allowed to be.

Steph says I have to get my head out my ass. And she’s technically lecturing me.
Gah. I just don’t want to hear it because she’s scolding me more so. Talking to my other friend about it, she was much more gentle in the approach and it sunk in my head more.
Asdfghkl.
I just want Sam to admit it and be done with him.

It’s moments like this were I realize how silly I am. How little I know people and how arrogant I can truly be.
I think it’s another thing too where, it is pointless to be upset. It wasn’t an exclusive relationship. He chose that with someone else. I shouldn’t look for online dating at all. It just never works out, and it’s taken me so long to put that into account since when it first happened.
Poop.
GAHHHHH I HATE THIS.
I probably shouldn’t even look to date girls online either.
No dating online.
No no no no no.
You shake your head because you know I’m a walking hyprocrite. But, I’m going to do my fucking best into account for this.
-Shakes fist.-

Hallo Chris,

Realistically, I don’t think you read these anymore. But thinking that, will set me on a cognitive dissonance. And, if I believed it, I’d have no where to vent. I like venting to you and telling you things because, at the time. You swallowed my crap and shot it back at me. For the most part, I appreciate it. Some people can embarrass you and say the things you don’t want to hear. Although, when it comes to that, I find myself different. I find myself yearning to hear the reply. For this past entire year, I’ve been trying to figure out who you were. It’s hard to be told nothing back because I will never know if I am right or wrong. But being me, I am going to say I am right. Only because Steph told me I guessed you so well. I think I will give you some tips too.

1. You are not a Sociopath. You never were. I think you’re lost. Very, very lost. I’ve watched too much Cold Case Files and Discovery Investigation to know this. Sociopaths have very abusive/neglected pasts, torture animals on a regular basis. Some get married, some think they live in a completely different world, and all of them ALL OF THEM never once admit or acknowledge that they are sociopathic. You live in this world abundant with successful people and you want to fit into that quite desperately. It’s not that you seek approval, you just want to be recognized as a highly valuable asset. Some people are just never meant to get relationships. It happens. They spend the rest of their life on the tasting menu. I am just one of those people who feels like. Sure, that’s great, but eventually, you will reach the point of where you have tried everything there is and seconds don’t hit the spot.
2. You’ve admitted to me three times that you are a sociopath. I think the more you repeat stuff, the more you are trying to convince yourself. You are not Dexter. Dexter gets married and commits to people. That’s the only difference between them and also there is no weird sister that is a love interest. Plus, sociopaths don’t have feelings, remember? You can’t kiss a girl or apologize, You can’t fuck a girl relentlessly without emotion or feeling involved. You’ve killed a cat with Tom. I killed a hamster, we’ve both had our loss of control. I think about where you could fit in when it comes to the psychology world. I just can’t see it. Maybe the testings and experiments. But, you already are one of those types of people who can easily mess with others. You say it’s too late to become a doctor, but you are just too lazy to assert yourself in the medical world. Your dad and your brother are already in it, why should you bother. Why should you tire yourself out to compete and have added anxiety? I could see you being a lawyer. I could also see you being a pastry chef, or a graphic designer. One with an ultra modern home. It takes power to gain power, I don’t know where you are at this point. But, I don’t for a second believe you see the potential of what you could do.
3. When it comes to girls, terminate it properly. I honestly, do not like being left behind with these situations. I will honestly say that I am not one of those women that will chase a guy when there is a dispute. I write my feelings, like this. Mostly shred it or throw it out after. When the guy comes back, then we talk it out more calmly. You do this part well, and I cannot understand why you could not terminate our contract. And I can’t tell you enough how much the feeling sucks.

All in all, I think we were a good emotional support duo. Granted, I think you cheated on me with Tom. But I like Tom, I’d cheat on you for him too. I’d cheat on you with Steph. Denz is weird, good taste in jackets, but he has a total creepster smile.

Steph is enjoying her work. It’s still hard on her, but I think she is happy for the most part. I need to get a job. I am getting nervous and anxious. I am starting to slack again in school and that is a really big no no. I am sooooo freaking close to finishing the semester, I need to keep it going!

Honestly Chris, I do hope you come back. In some form. I remember when Tom and you said Germany would make us stronger, surprisingly, I knew too well that wouldn’t be the case. As long as you are content, i’ll feel fine. Though, I’d be the happiest just to hear from you. I’ve had thoughts, of walking into Berlin, stapling pictures of Bulbasaurs saying “jeap” on poles and advertising walls, just so some way. You’d know I still missed you and your company.

I can’t thank you enough for being there for me. When I needed you. And when I despised you.

(via simplycareless)